I suppose the question of why do I need this arises, well for me always had discipline in my life as when I was doing sport I always had direction and discipline and to be honest I do still need it, if not - I feel a lack of direction and being left to my own devices tends to end in disaster. For me once I gave up sport I did try and work through not having it but it wasnt to be, I do so need that part.
Whilst in a session it also allows me to let go without the need for me to make decisions and its about having that loss of control, as others have - my job is very demanding and have to make decisions all the time therefore by doing this it allows me to be myself.
I like it for lots of reasons, its a great stress release, find it relaxing and allows me to be me which probably not a lot of people see or well I dont let a lot of people see 'me'
We met yesterday afternoon which was good, I was a bit whingey for some reason, really enjoyed the session as it was the first time I had had two sessions close together, my communication is still poor though - I dont know why I still clam up sometimes and I get very stressed when it happens as I struggle to control it, I know its happening but cant seem to work my head around it yet
Whilst in a session it also allows me to let go without the need for me to make decisions and its about having that loss of control, as others have - my job is very demanding and have to make decisions all the time therefore by doing this it allows me to be myself.
I like it for lots of reasons, its a great stress release, find it relaxing and allows me to be me which probably not a lot of people see or well I dont let a lot of people see 'me'
We met yesterday afternoon which was good, I was a bit whingey for some reason, really enjoyed the session as it was the first time I had had two sessions close together, my communication is still poor though - I dont know why I still clam up sometimes and I get very stressed when it happens as I struggle to control it, I know its happening but cant seem to work my head around it yet
23 comments:
Hi Agatha. I would venture to suggest that you and katie are kindred spirits in your desire to need direction and discipline. Still not sure whether I fit into that category yet - but this isn't about ME it's all about YOU Agatha so it doesn't really matter.For sure, I know, I would be just like you in that I would clam up and not communicate. What goes on in my head stays there and maybe that is one reason why I have yet to get my arse of the fence and present it to him who shall be obeyed - LOL!!! You say that you get frustrated when you calm up. Is that because you would really LIKE to talk but don't know how? Or you think you would be judged by what you say? Or you are judging yourself before you have said it? None of us are perfect and we all have terribly complicated lives which deviate, possibly, from the line that we would choose to follow if we were perfect. We are not perfect though....well I certainly am not...but it doesn't make me a bad person, anymore than it makes you a bad person. I just have to learn to accept that this is me like it or not. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I really don't, and I guess that may be the same for you? So how has the swearing been going? Have you learnt to be nicer to your fellow workers? Keep up the good work though, cos this is a definite improvement. FF xx
Nice comment FF and think that Agatha will tell you that she just clms and does not wat to, it annoys and that is something that we need to try and sort.
The swearing is vastly improved, though to her cost, she let a couple out on Monday.
All areas ae improving and the blog will be completed when we agree that something is there to be said.
The comments are helping a lot and thanks for that.
oh goody, a new post and a reply from Peter so I can can put in my two cents worth.
It took Sir two years and an awful lot of spanking to get me to open up so dont think this will be a quick journey.. I had spent 38 years keeping my feelings and thoughts tightly botttled up so it was never going to be an easy task. You sound very similar in what you describe (good observation FF) so I doubt if you will acheive a quick fix. However that does not mean you shouldnt try. Look how far you have come on this blog.
I personally dont like "sessions", I like it to be part of my day to day life but I know that if i didnt have Sir then I would need "sessions" to keep me stress free. Do you find that you look forward to them, even if you know you are in trouble.
How is the hunt for a sport going??
When I clam up I think a few things go through my head, I would like to know how to talk but I just cant and I dont know why, I do think I judge myself and generally before any word or sentence is uttered my brain is already thinking of a thousand other questions that can be given to my response - so really my brain goes into panic mode, so actually was a little bit down about that as I think I'm just a mute. Swearing could be better, it has improved but not 100%.
I do look forward to our sessions even if I know I've screwed up a few things, there are things that I have to aim for and its all about pushing me as well.
Sport hunting is going OK, got my finger out and narrowed it down to about three sports but having trouble deciding as two of them are team sports which I dont generally do and also means having to talk to others - so bit stumped
Hi Agatha, well tell us what the three different sports are and we can see if we can help you decide. Or failing that just put a spoke into your wheels! I have come to the conclusion that you are normal. I know that will come as a shock to you as indeed it has shocked me at this somewhat barmy revelation. However, the reason I know you are normal is that Katie is the same and I am the same. So we cant all be wrong can we?Therefore that makes us (cos we are females) right,as always and by virtue of being right - we are normal and the rest of the world is La La.
Katie likes discipline - so do you. I find it difficult to talk tho really would like to. However, just as you Agatha find it hard, so do I. I will think of what I should or could say. I will then second guess what the person I am telling will say, and that will always be judgmental and negative, then I will third guess what my reply will be and I will, before I know it, be in such a negative position that I will at best think that they will think badly of me and wont love me/like me/want to talk to me or be my friend etc etc. Does that sound familiar? But then if you answer "Yes thats me too" then I will think "well, why would she want my input cos Im as bad as she is" - see where I am coming from? However, panic not, cos if you are happy to hear from me, then I am happy to input on this blog...but (negative thoughts warning) if you think I wish she would just P**s off then I will retreat into the naughty corner once again and lick my wounds. So really Agatha, only you can help me........
As a result of this blog, which you may at times feel has been hijacked by Katie and myself, I have found a very good friend in Katie and I hope with you too. I really hope that you feel comforted by the fact that you have us 2 looking after your interests.
Peter, it really is nice that you are joining in more - maybe it was a deliberate ploy to let us girls get together first?!!!! Well if so,congratulations on being so clever - tho men generally aren't that bright!! (However, I concede that you may be the exception)!!
FF xx
FF - I'm actually always happy to hear from you and don't at all think that yourself or Katie hijack the blog, it does help me which in turn helps S as I can only get better (I dont think my communication could get any worse to be honest), so look forward to the comments\suggestions, it can for me be very easy to withdraw into myself so its definitely good that you do post on here, keep it coming, I do panic sometimes when commenting though - again I dont know why
And yes that is me too - and probably the underlying reason for my poor comms. The only thing I would say is I dont consider myself 'normal', I have always been an oddball type or different or weird, strange, geek freak etc etc known that since an early age
Sports so far are dragon boat racing, netball, golf and another now softball
Agatha....how tall are you? I really loved netball as a kid but am still only 5'1" so never continued with it for obvious reasons!! Netball is fun though!! Go with that one. How do you know you are a freak/geek/odd bod or anything else that you have labelled yurself with? What makes you odd? Believe me - I am sure you are no more odd that me!! But then perhaps I am odd too....perish the thought! FF x
You 3 normal, yes ok and Gordon Brown knows what he is doing, which should finish that circle, or is it a square?
Communication is hard for many people, I certainly would not have been so forthcoming years ago, so in that respect we are very similar.
It is also not "very english" to be outgoing about what you feel, that is why so many of us hate reality TV and so many enjoy for the same reasons.
I rather think that Agatha would be happier in a solo sport because then she relies on herself, but for my purposes a team sport may be better.
Having met all of you, I can categorically state that there is no need for "men (or women) in white coats" yet!
LOL....so Peter you concede that we are all normal. Isn't there a saying that one in four people are mad. Think of three friends...if they are ok then YOU are the one!! (Well I've heard that one and I's sure you have too). Also rather spookily, you posted to the minute 24 hours after I did. I happen to think that Agatha has a lot of guts because whilst she find talking openly difficult or even impossible at time, she certainly takes her punishment without so much as a blush - or does she? I on the other hand think I would talk like a parrott first - but then I'm a very silly person so what do I know?
FF xx
Oops......I see that I failed to notice the am and pm difference. Oh well, that means then no spookiness.....shame really, cos I quite like weird things - bet you did'nt know that!!! FF x
A blush maybe not so far but a moan or whine sometimes yes. Hmm never considered myself normal and am not in everything I do so sometimes thats just the way it is. Sports getting worse the list keeps growing now!
Hope Agatha that you had a grear day yesterday - did you do anything that is worthy of a comment here? I typed out a massive posting but at the last minute highlighted and deleted the whole lot. I was having a moan about feeling so resentful towards pople that are closest to me but who rely on me totally and so much so that it overwhelms me and I drown in self pity. So, despite Peters best effort by text to get me to post it - everyone that is now reading this should be very very glad that I had already posted into cyber space and not on this blog. You see Agatha, that should prove that you certainly are not alone and quite possibly not the maddest of the 3 of us. Who can tell? Would we know? Would we care? And Agatha dearest, start writing........ FF xx
Hello Agatha,
I enjoy teasing you with that one, but it is your fault as you did not choose another.
You need to let us in a little more and yes I know you have stepped forward a lot recently, but still some way to go.
We meet again on the 18th so is there anything you think we should be talking about, or exploring?
Yes indeed and looking forward to it, however I shall let you decide as obviously I cannot communicate...
Doubtless you will be back later to apologise and fresh post!
Agatha!! Peter!! If I had a whistle I would be blowing it!! It seems you have hit a raw nerve Peter with Agatha and Agatha dearest, why so tetchy? Forget about Peter for a minute and talk to me.... you have been very quiet lately....and that is not good when you have done so well. I really thought that my new little friend was getting postively chatty....then zippo....nothing. Whats the matter Agatha? I worry about you, and I have at least 3 other people that are at present on my worry list so I could do with shifting one of you off the list. Come on, tell me what's bothering you..please. FF xx
Its not Peter's fault, I stepped out of line today on something I said (not on here) which I shouldnt have and so I apologised and got back in line.
Just had a crap weekend and Monday, I just dont have much confidence in posting, I dont know what to say or to write about and I get really frustrated
Just try a simple nice q and a session. What do you know about me - anything? No,I doubt it. You have never asked. So why don't you ask me 4 simple questions or as many as you can think of anyway. I wont be back online til tomorrow morning now so you have plenty of time. And I would like to know 2 things about you that I dont already!! Please!! Its not difficult to be social - just observe people and see what they do. How do friends greet each other? What do girlfriends natter about. Small steps as katie told you a while ago. If its any consolation, I too had a crap day today and ended up in tears this morning having a conversation with myself which went along the lines of "why would anyone care about me, I'm a failure, not worthy of anyone liking me let alone love me" so you are not alone. And as Peter has acknowledged, we ARE NORMAL so lets just be glad for that. Look forward to your reply in the morning. And I do mean I will look forward to your reply - they are not empty words. FF xx
I've never been one really for asking questions - no surprise there I hear everyone saying and I cant even think of four, and have been so down in the dumps since yesterday over what I said. So the one question I have managed to think about is are you doing anything nice for Christmas?
I also dont think I have two things to say about myself that you dont already know, its not I'm being unsociable
Oh dear dear Agatha - you are SO SO hard to help!! But I will not give up on you - so there!! Ok. You asked me about my Christmas. Well, as per usual (and this is when its MY turn to moan) everyone will come to me. My paretns will come and stay. My youngest from the City will come back home for a few days and she will either be charming and lovely or behave like a spoilt brat. Last year her and my Mum fell out./ Now we, as a family, dont fall out. Its just not something we ever do. So it was a massive upset for all, so as you will probably realise I am viewing Christmas with a fair amount of trepidation. My middle daughter who is expecting her baby end of Feb (ish) may well come over at some stage but is due to spend time with her partners family. My son who is married will come to us on Boxing Day. I cant help but fel that it woujld be nice for someone to say "come to us and let us do the work for you for a change" but I guess having been married for 33 years its never bneen any different. So I do know where you are coming from when you say you get frustrated and cross, cos at times so do I. So in fact, your question has actually been answered in great detail and you know know my family set up!! Oh yes, my hubby doesnt have parents alive and only has a sister wjho we dont ever see. You failed to tell me anything that I didn't know about you so will have to prompt. It doesnt have to be rocket science. Simple questions like, where were your brought up? What sort of music do you like? Whats your favourite colour? Whats your favourite place to eat? What do you do to chill out? Like katie said, start small and one step will lead to another. I dont know why you dont communicate well, but you dont!! But we will get there - even if we have to resort to dragging you screaming and kicking. And that is both a threat and a promise!!. Your turn now.... FF xx
Ok, this long list of comments is beginning to annoy me. I am feeling ever so slightly tetchy but i will try and be constructive. FF is doing her very best to help, Peter is commenting and Agatha is struggling to move forward so here is my advice
When FF asks you a question, instead of writing ANOTHER comment. Cut and paste the question into a new post, put it in italics and then answer in a fresh way. This makes it easier for us to see how you are doing. If you get asked lots of things, or you have an assignment to write, then start several new posts and try and do something on them when ever you can.
I have a question that i would love you to answer (in a new post)
How can you be in a succesful job if you are so crap at communicating. What is different between shouting and swearing at your colleugues to answering one or two simple questions on here. You obviously have communication skills or you would not have succedded in your job or your sport so can you identify what is the problem.
Well here I am logging on with great renewed eagerness to see if you Agatha have replied. But no reply. However, Katie saved the day - so thank God for katie! It's perfectly true what Katie has said. I wanted to say it but I am much kinder than Katie!!It is frankly grossly annoying when I do aske (make that beg) you to ask a question or answer a question and all you do is just whine - yes whine- and say you are crap at talking etc etc. I am crap at writing but I'm doing it. I'm crap at a lot of things but it doesn't stop me from trying on at least some of them. I also find it hard to believe that you manage others if you cant string more than two sentences together. So, come on, no more. Get yourself up, dust yourself down and start acting your age not your bloody shoe size. Cos to be blunt, if you don't, this blog will disappear up its own backside. FF xx
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