Well a new start
to the blog which I haven’t entered anything in for far too long.
I'm trying to be
more open and invite feedback!
Well its not been
the greatest start of the year for both Peter and myself which is my fault
completely. Schedules have been awful
and I had to cancel at the last minute which is not good as it screws
everything up.
There have been a
few communication issues, I haven’t shared enough and started to withdraw into
myself which was a catch 22 for me, I knew I was doing it but perhaps didn’t
want to admit as (a) it admits I failed and (b) didn’t know how to address
it. However by sharing with Peter
perhaps would have fixed both issues - lesson learned and still being learned.
In a way I know
people envy me to a degree, good job, money brain etc. But what people don’t understand or know is I
am so envious of others - they can go off and meet people, chat to people goto
munches or meet up with like minded people or just to have a conversation. I'm trying to do all of that but I feel like
an idiot, I don’t know what to say, will I let myself down or Peter. Those are the things that completely throw me
into a spin, I get so worked up that I either eventually don’t go or am so
stressed by it all I do look like a damn idiot.
To others people
must think minor issue, get over it - I'm trying to
So lately I've
failed my Dom in various ways, not communicating letting him down, not doing
things on time so much so I think he believes I don’t want to improve or
continue this anymore - thats what I think.
Well its further from the truth - I want this so badly its hard to
describe. I enjoy everything we do, what
we try etc etc. and want to improve beyond anything. For me to have been successful in pretty much
anything that I do - to admit that I have failed is hard and something that I
am not used to and I'm not coping with it well which I think is probably the
main issue, I've not coped very well with failing and also my lack of self
esteem.
I’m negative with
myself constantly its ridiculous that I don’t even know that I'm doing it.
So thats where we
are at, I've put my head above the parapet and shown (some) of whats running
thru my head at the moment. Its actually
quite upsetting for me and scary as I want this. To my Dom - Peter I am sorry I failed you,
there was a remedy I should communicate better and get back to the high
standards that you have set me.
1 comment:
Well at least you have made a good start, there is probably more "you" in that post, than in anything else you have ever written for me.
We agreed that we have to meet more often, which bearing in mind our busy lives is tricky in the extreme to arrange. That, would at least make sure that you know what I am thinking clearly, as unlike you, I will say what I think and leave you in no doubt.
We are , of course, revisiting the subject of communication in all its forms, the one thing you can not hack thus far.
So 2012 is going to be a "meet and greet" year.
We have already agreed on the "geek munch" and I intend to introduce you, if possible, to a couple more of my friends gained over the years, which may mean a bit of time in the car.
You should always keep in mind, that when you let me down, you let yourself down and certainly in the last 6 months you have failed both of us, something I think you have acknowledged here.
So you must do better with giving us time, limited we both understand, but we have to be able to at least get to talk face to face. You must get your Diary organised and sometimes this gets priority.
We meet soon and when we do I think it is about time that you udnerstood better what I seek for you and how displeased I am with your efforts.
Post a Comment